Most parents know what they don't want to do—yell, threaten, punish, manipulate
But when faced with challenging behavior, they don't know what to do instead
They default back to the patterns they experienced as children, even when those patterns didn't work for them
What if there was a simple, replicable process you could use anywhere, anytime, to connect with your child—even in the most challenging moments?
Let me introduce you to the P
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Process
What Is the P
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Process?
P
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is a five-step system of connection that develops emotional intelligence in both you and your child
When practiced consistently, it creates new neuropathways of peace, kindness, and generosity that last a lifetime
Think of it as learning a new language—the language of empathy, the true language of love
Like any language, it takes time and lots of practice
Be patient with yourself
Let's break down each step:
P - Pay Attention
The first step is observation without judgment or evaluation. What just happened in the moments or day leading up to this situation?
For example: Your toddler has been at daycare all day, she's hungry, and you've been on the phone for the past 15 minutes not paying attention to her
Now she's pulling on your leg and whining
Or: Your teenager just walked in the door from school, went straight to his room without saying hello, and when you asked him about his day, he snapped at you.
Paying attention means becoming aware of context
Most challenging behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum—it happens after a series of circumstances that stressed your child's system
E - Every Child's Feelings and Needs
This step requires understanding that all human behavior is a person's best attempt at getting a core need met
Yes, even your child's behavior
Ask yourself: What might my child be feeling right now? What need are they trying to meet?
Your toddler pulling on your leg might be feeling:
Tired (from a long day at daycare)
Hungry (it's past snack time)
Disconnected (you've been on the phone)
Her needs might be:
Rest
Food
Connection and attention
Your teenager who snapped at you might be feeling:
Overwhelmed (from a stressful day)
Frustrated (from something that happened at school)
Defensive (interpreting your question as interrogation)
His needs might be:
Space and autonomy
Understanding
Time to decompress
Here's a key insight: When children's needs are met, they experience higher vibration feelings like happiness, peace, contentment, and security
When needs are not met, they experience lower vibration feelings like sadness, frustration, fear, and anger
Your child's behavior is the signal
The feelings and needs are the source
A - Allow Yourself Self-Empathy
Before you can give empathy to your child, you must give it to yourself
This means being radically honest about your own feelings and thoughts in the moment
You might be thinking:
"This kid is driving me crazy!"
"I just want five minutes to myself!"
"Why can't they just behave?"
"This situation really sucks!"
Here's what's critical: Don't edit or suppress these thoughts
All are welcome and important to acknowledge, even if you don't act on them
If you judge or suppress your feelings, they'll emerge later in unhealthy ways
Self-empathy creates the emotional space you need to stay regulated enough to help your child regulate
Think of it like the oxygen mask on an airplane: you must put yours on first before helping your child.
C - Care With Empathy
Now comes the heart of the process: stepping into your child's shoes and seeing life from their perspective.
Empathy means: What does life look like in this moment if you were looking out from your child's eyes?
Can you imagine being your child's age and stepping into the newness and overwhelm of what they're experiencing? Remember: you've been on the planet much longer than they have
You're here to understand and guide them
This step is about getting curious rather than getting critical. Turn off your analytical, problem-solving mind and simply explore: What must life be like for my child right now?
To your toddler, you being on the phone might feel like abandonment
She doesn't understand work calls or why you need to talk to other people
She just knows that you're not available to her, and she needs you
To your teenager, your question about his day might sound like an interrogation after he's already been stressed all day
He needs space to land before he can connect
When you care with empathy, you show your child that their inner world matters
You validate their feelings without necessarily agreeing with their behavior
This might sound like:
"You really wanted me to pay attention to you, and I was on the phone
That was hard
"It sounds like you had a rough day and you need some space right now."
E - Explore a Solution
Only after you've worked through the first four steps do you explore a solution together.
Notice: together
This isn't about imposing your solution
It's about inviting your child to be part of the problem-solving process
If you have an outcome in mind, offer at least two choices about how to arrive at that outcome
The goal is that your child feels involved in the solution and empowered by making a choice
For your toddler: "I hear you need my attention. Would you like to sit on my lap while I finish this call, or would you like to play with your blocks right next to me?"
For your teenager: "I can see you need space. Would you like to talk after dinner, or would you rather text me about what happened?"
The difference between traditional parenting and the P
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Process is this:
Traditional parenting jumps straight to solutions, trying to "fix" behavior
The P
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Process understands that the solution emerges naturally within the context of a connected relationship where both parent and child have a voice
You're not parenting over your child—you're parenting with them.
Practice Makes Progress
The P
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Process might feel awkward at first, especially if you're used to reacting quickly to stop behavior
That's normal
You're literally creating new neural pathways
Start small
Practice one step at a time
Even just beginning to Pay Attention and recognize your child's Feelings and Needs will shift your relationship dramatically
Remember: you're not just solving today's challenge
You're teaching your child skills they'll use for life—how to identify feelings, communicate needs, practice empathy, and collaborate on solutions
That's the power of P
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