The Fear Cycle: How Your Past Shapes Their Future

By Jayanta Chakraborty

Have you ever felt an irrational surge of rage over something small, like a spilled cup of milk? This is often the result of projection and fear. According to Daniel Siegel’s model of the brain, when we are triggered, our 'lid flips'—the prefrontal cortex goes offline, and the amygdala (the fear center) takes over. In this state, our brain is often reacting to a 'ghost from the nursery'—an implicit memory from our own childhood where we perhaps felt unsafe or shamed for a similar mistake. We then project that fear onto our child, creating a 'fear story' like 'If he can't pour milk, he will never be independent!'. This creates a cycle where the parent's fight-or-flight response triggers the child's fight-or-flight response. Breaking this cycle requires us to use mindsight on ourselves—to catch the fear story, name it, and ground ourselves before we respond. To know more please connect to our Certified parenting coach.