Here's an uncomfortable truth: You parent the way you were parented
Or you rebel against it and swing to the opposite extreme
Either way, your childhood experiences are running the show—often without your conscious awareness
Until you examine your childhood story, you'll continue unconsciously repeating or reacting to patterns that may not serve your child or yourself.
The Childhood Story vs. The Soul Story
Your childhood story is the narrative you tell about your past
It includes who, what, where, and when
But more importantly, it includes the feelings you had, the thoughts you formed, and the beliefs you developed about yourself, your family, and the world
This story lives in your journals, comes up with your therapist, and gets told to your closest friends
It's the story shaped by experience—some of it beautiful, some of it painful
But beneath your childhood story lies something deeper: your soul story
This is the theme you've been working with your whole life, the energy you're here to transform from lower vibration to higher vibration
Some examples:
Self-love (higher) vs. self-hate (lower)
Abundance (higher) vs. poverty (lower)
Forgiveness (higher) vs. punishment (lower)
Trust (higher) vs. fear (lower)
Your soul story empowers you to see your journey as a creator rather than a victim
But first, you must complete your childhood story with honest reflection
The Five Core Areas to Examine
Love - Receiving and Giving Love
Did you feel loved as a child? By whom? What did you have to do to receive love? Was love conditional on good behavior, achievements, or compliance?
When you received love, what did you believe about yourself? When you didn't receive love, what did you believe?
Many people discover they learned that love must be earned through performance
This belief pattern then shows up in their parenting—either by continuing to make love conditional, or by rebelling and struggling to set any boundaries at all
Acceptance - Feeling Accepted
Were you accepted for who you were, or did you feel like you had to be someone else to gain approval?
Children who felt unaccepted often develop beliefs like:
"I'm not good enough"
"There's something wrong with me"
"I have to hide my true self"
As parents, they may over-accept their children to the point of having no expectations, or they may unconsciously recreate the same conditional acceptance they experienced.
Appreciation - Feeling Appreciated
Did you have to do something to be appreciated in your family, or were you appreciated simply for being you?
Many people were raised with achievement-based appreciation: "I'm proud of you for getting good grades / winning the game / being so well-behaved
" This teaches children that their worth is tied to performance
The alternative is essence-based appreciation: "I love spending time with you
I appreciate your kindness
I see how hard you're trying
Care - Receiving Care
Were your physical needs met—shelter, food, health care? Were your emotional needs met—comfort, nurturing, validation?
• Physical neglect is easier to identify than emotional neglect, but both leave lasting impacts
• Children who didn't feel cared for often develop beliefs like "I don't matter" or "I have to take care of myself because no one else will
As parents, they may become either over-protective (trying to give their child what they didn't have) or emotionally distant (repeating the pattern they know).
Understanding - Feeling Understood
Did anyone really "get" you as a child? Could you express your feelings and have them validated, or were your feelings dismissed, minimized, or punished?
• Feeling misunderstood is one of the deepest childhood wounds
• It creates beliefs like "Nobody understands me" or "My feelings don't make sense," which often persist into adulthood
How Your Past Shows Up in Your Parenting
Your unexamined childhood story shows up in three primary ways:
Repetition: You unconsciously repeat the patterns you experienced, even if you hated them as a child
You find yourself saying the exact words your parent said, using the same tone, enforcing the same rules
Rebellion: You swing to the opposite extreme
If your parents were controlling, you become permissive
If they were emotionally distant, you become enmeshed
If they were harsh, you struggle to set any limits
Triggering: Certain behaviors from your child activate unhealed wounds from your childhood, causing you to react with intensity that's disproportionate to the situation
Your three-year-old's defiance triggers your childhood experience of being punished for expressing independence
None of this is your fault, but all of it is your responsibility to address.
Making Peace With Your Parenting Past
Healing doesn't mean forgetting or excusing harm
It means understanding with compassion—for yourself and for your parents
Consider this powerful reframe: What if your parent's behavior that led to disconnected communication was their best attempt to get their own needs met?
If you could step into your parent's shoes, what were they feeling when they yelled, punished, or withdrew? What were they needing? What beliefs were driving their behavior?
This isn't about excusing their behavior—it's about seeing them as whole humans who were struggling with their own unmet needs and unhealed wounds, just as you are now.
Your parent might have been feeling:
Overwhelmed by responsibility
Exhausted from work or life stress
Scared they weren't good enough
Desperate for control in a chaotic life
They might have been needing:
Rest and support
Recognition and appreciation
Competence and effectiveness
Order and predictability
When you understand this, something shifts
The story stops being "my parent was bad and hurt me" and becomes "my parent was human and struggling, and I got caught in the crossfire of their unmet needs
This doesn't erase your pain, but it does free you from carrying it forward into your own parenting.
Your Commitment to Your Child
After examining your childhood story and making peace with your past, the final step is making a conscious commitment to your child about how you will create connected communication.
This might sound like:
"I commit to seeing your feelings as important, not inconvenient."
"I commit to setting limits with respect, not shame."
"I commit to repairing quickly when I make mistakes."
"I commit to loving you unconditionally, not based on your behavior or achievements."
Writing this commitment down is powerful
It becomes your north star when old patterns try to reassert themselves
You Can't Give What You Never Received—Until You Heal It
Here's the truth: It's hard to give your child unconditional love if you never received it yourself
It's hard to validate their feelings if yours were dismissed
It's hard to set respectful limits if you only knew harsh punishment or no boundaries at all
But here's the even deeper truth: The act of parenting consciously can heal your own childhood wounds
Every time you respond to your child with empathy instead of anger, you're healing the part of you that needed empathy
Every time you set limits with respect, you're giving yourself the respectful boundary-setting you deserved
Conscious parenting is mutual transformation
You're not just raising your child—you're re-raising yourself
And it starts with honestly examining your childhood story, so you can finally tell your soul story.
You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free!