The Missing Piece in Parenting Strategies
By Jayanta Chakraborty
Have you ever felt that despite reading all the books and trying all the 'right' strategies, things still feel disconnected at home? You are not alone. While we often focus on specific pillars of parenting, we need to establish how these pillars can thrive, and they thrive on a solid foundation of security1. If a child does not feel safe, unconditionally loved, and deeply connected, the best parenting strategies simply cannot 'work'2. This brings us to the concept of Attachment Science. Attachment is the psychological and emotional bond between a caregiver and a child that transcends time and space3. It is the most critical understanding we have as parents4. When we prioritize this bond, we aren't just fixing today's behavior; we are influencing the child’s entire life and every future relationship they will form5. Remember, we are not pursuing perfection or validation here6. We are simply building the fertile ground where transformation begins7.
Read more »
Secure Kids Start with Secure Parents
By Jayanta Chakraborty
In the rush to fix our children’s behaviors or ensure their happiness, we often forget the most important variable in the equation: Us.
Renowned experts Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have demonstrated that a secure attachment within a parent directly impacts the security created with the child8. This means that being at peace with your own past experiences and how they manifest today is crucial9.
It is a profound truth that the security you have within yourself determines the security you can provide for your child10. If you are feeling overwhelmed by this, take a deep breath. You are exactly where you need to be11.
The most important gift you can give your children is to show up authentically12. This journey involves creating a coherent narrative of your own childhood story to cultivate a sense of safety in your own body, heart, and mind13. By showing up for yourself first, you create the.. Read more »
Understanding the 4 Styles of Attachment
By Jayanta Chakraborty
To understand how we relate to our children, it helps to understand the four primary attachment styles identified by researchers15. Recognizing these patterns isn't about blaming your parents, but about recognizing patterns to work towards healing16.
- Secure Attachment: This occurs when caregivers consistently meet a child's needs with warmth. These children feel safe, understood, and confident to explore the world17.
- Insecure Avoidant: Often resulting from emotionally unavailable caregiving, these children may learn to detach emotionally and become overly self-reliant, struggling with intimacy18.
- Insecure Ambivalent: This stems from inconsistent responses. The child becomes anxious and uncertain, often displaying clinginess while simultaneously resisting closeness19.
- Insecure Disorganized: This can result from frightening or erratic caregiv.. Read more »
The 4 S’s of Building Trust
By Jayanta Chakraborty
How do we actually go about building a secure attachment? It can be broken down into four simple, actionable concepts known as the Four S's:
- Safe: This is the foundation. We must ensure our children feel protected from physical and emotional harm, eliminating fear and unpredictability23.
- Seen: It is not enough to just be present; we must acknowledge the child's inner world. This involves attentive listening and validating their feelings so they know their emotions matter.
- Soothed: When a child is distressed, we offer a calming presence. This teaches them that they can rely on us to help manage difficult emotions
- Secure: This is the culmination of the first three. When a child feels safe, seen, and soothed, they develop a deep trust in themselves and their caregivers
In the coming weeks of the Monk Parent program, we will focus on practicing these steps.. Read more »
Mindsight: Seeing the Mind Behind the Behaviour
By Jayanta Chakraborty
Parenting often feels like a game of 'whack-a-mole' with behaviours. We correct one issue, and another pops up. This happens when we focus only on the surface. To truly empower our parenting, we need to develop what neuroscientist Daniel Siegel calls Mindsight. Mindsight is the ability to use our imagination to perceive the internal world of another person—their thoughts, feelings, and nervous system state. Instead of reacting to a child spilling dog food with 'What are you doing?!', mindsight invites us to pause and ask, 'Why are they acting this way? How fascinating!'. It shifts us from judgment to curiosity. This isn't just a nice philosophy; it is the second 'S' in earning a secure attachment: making the child feel Seen. When a child feels that their inner world is understood, their nervous system calms down. But here is the catch: we cannot offer mindsight to our children if we cannot offer it to ourselves. We must first learn to view our own reactions with cu.. Read more »
The Myth of the 'Bad' Child: Understanding the 0-7 Brain
By Jayanta Chakraborty
One of the greatest barriers to peaceful parenting is the expectation that children should think like adults. However, science—and the philosophy of educators like Rudolf Steiner—tells us that from ages zero to seven, children operate primarily from the "back of the brain"6. During these years, they are learning to be embodied; they are driven by sensory experiences, hunger, and the need for safety7.
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control and logic, does not even begin to mature until adolescence and continues developing until age 308. When we expect a five-year-old to "know better" or control a big impulse, we are asking for a biological impossibility9. This expectation often leads to parent frustration and child shame. By understanding that a child is not being "naughty" but is simply acting from a developing brain, we can replace punishment with guidance. We stop taking the behavior personally and start parenting the child i.. Read more »
Root to Bloom: A Framework for Compassion
By Jayanta Chakraborty
When we see a weed in the garden, we know that cutting off the top won't stop it from growing back; we have to get the root. The same is true for our children's behavior. In Monk Parenting, we use the Root to Bloom process10. The behavior—whether it’s hitting, crying, or defiance—is just the 'bloom' or the flower11. It is the visible expression of something deeper. The 'roots' are the underlying feelings, needs, beliefs, and nervous system states12. Perhaps the root of a tantrum is a feeling of powerlessness, or the root of aggression is a need for protection. When we focus on the bloom (the behavior), we often use labels like 'lazy' or 'bad,' which are judgments that shut down connection13. When we focus on the root, we enter a space of problem-solving. By addressing the root cause, we don't just stop the behavior for today; we help the child integrate the experience and grow. To know more please connect to our Certified parenting coach. To know m.. Read more »
The Fear Cycle: How Your Past Shapes Their Future
By Jayanta Chakraborty
Have you ever felt an irrational surge of rage over something small, like a spilled cup of milk? This is often the result of projection and fear. According to Daniel Siegel’s model of the brain, when we are triggered, our 'lid flips'—the prefrontal cortex goes offline, and the amygdala (the fear center) takes over. In this state, our brain is often reacting to a 'ghost from the nursery'—an implicit memory from our own childhood where we perhaps felt unsafe or shamed for a similar mistake. We then project that fear onto our child, creating a 'fear story' like 'If he can't pour milk, he will never be independent!'. This creates a cycle where the parent's fight-or-flight response triggers the child's fight-or-flight response. Breaking this cycle requires us to use mindsight on ourselves—to catch the fear story, name it, and ground ourselves before we respond. To know more please connect to our Certified parenting coach... Read more »
Polyvagal Theory: The Science of Safety
By Jayanta Chakraborty
Parenting is not just about what we say; it is about what we radiate. This is the core of Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges. This science explains that our nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for safety or danger—a process called neuroception.
We operate in three tiers. At the bottom is "Terror" (freeze/faint), where we feel dead inside. In the middle is "Sympathetic Mobilization" (fight/flight), where we live at the mercy of our triggers, feeling anxious and overwhelmed. At the top is the Social Engagement System, where we feel safe, connected, and capable of empathy. The goal of empowered parenting is to help ourselves and our children spend more time in that top tier. When we are regulated, our children "borrow" our safety to regulate themselves.
To know more please connect to our Certified parenting coach.
The Internal Thermometer: Tracking Your Triggers
By Jayanta Chakraborty
You cannot stop an explosion if you don't hear the bomb ticking. One of the most practical tools for self-regulation is the Internal Thermometer. This framework asks you to become an expert on your own physiology.
At the bottom of the thermometer, you are cool and collected. As stress rises, you might notice specific cues: a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, or tight shoulders. If you ignore these signs, you will eventually hit the top and "flip your lid." The key is to intervene while you are still rising on the thermometer. Using sensory calming tools—like splashing cold water on your face, humming (which stimulates the vagus nerve), or deep breathing—can bring you back down before you do something you regret. To know more please connect to our Certified parenting coach.
To know more please connect to our Certified parenting coach.